In the last year, I've indulged in a lot of self-destructive behavior.
No, no...nothing fun like meaningless sex.
Mostly booze and food. Mostly food, really. It's always been my drug of choice, but in the last year it's gotten the best of me. I felt like I had no control over my life or career so what was the point in eating healthy? It was one the only thing that made me feel comforted, but the satisfaction was fleeting, and was always followed by self disgust.
When I look back at how I looked in my 20's and even 30's, I've always figured that I had a good metabolism but when I dissect it, I was eating like a thin person. My basic meals were a protein and a veggie, some fruit as a snack and then a daily indulgence of chocolate. This was coupled with some pretty intense working out, too. So, no I wasn't just "lucky", I was dedicated. Dedicated to looking and feeling good.
I haven't really cared about either one in a while. I have multiple food allergies, so I always avoided anything that was on my "no" list. I wouldn't even cheat once. In the past year, I sought out the things that made me feel the worst because then I could just sleep it away. And then I could forget about how miserable I was. My "naps" on the weekend? No shorter than 5 hours.
I knew I had hit rock bottom when I started avoiding get togethers with friends because of being embarassed by how I look. Me! Embarassed by how I look? And to not want my picture taken? When, that was just unheard of.
But that was back in 2012 and this is a new start. I promise to not be all wishy washy depressing. I just have to detox all the crap out of my system so I can find the fun again.
Who's with me??