Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.


"It's far better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass. "

I love a parade

On this Memorial Day, we salute those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our Freedom.

Here are some shots from our parade. I love the small town feel of a local parade. Keep in mind, it's almost 90 degrees so you have to feel sorry for anyone in a costume.

                                                                                What's a parade without a stilt walker?

Or "has been" local TV personalities. This is Big and Little John. Can you guess which is which?

Look closely. Those aren't kids driving those cars!

.

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.



"I WANT MY INNOCENCE BACK!"


Original Post Date, December 16, 2010

I have a love/hate thing going with the internet.

Let me give you an example.

The year was 1975. I was 9 years old and a card carrying member of the Bay City Rollers Fan Club. Oh, yes I was...

I was on the newsletter mailing list.

I knew when all the guys birthdays were.

AND I wore my tartan scarf re-ligiously.

I remember running home from school to watch the Rollers on The Mike Douglas Show. Mike asked them how they chose their name and they said that they stuck a pin in a map of the United States and named it after that city.

Bay City, Michigan

Only Derek pronounced it Bay City, MiCHigan instead of Mishigan. My mother laughed but I yelled at her and told her that they were from Scotland so there was no way they could know the right way to say it. I think she slapped me.

But the stinging went away when I heard them sing:




For some reason, this song has been going through my head all week. I was looking for it on YouTube when I came across VH1's Behind the Music about the Bay City Rollers and decided to watch it.

Big mistake.

I want to remember them as fresh faced young boys who wore ridiculous outfits and couldn't move on stage to save their lives.

I want to remember dancing around my bedroom while kissing Erik Faulkner's face on the cover of Tiger Beat.


Isn't he dreammmmyyy?

I want to remember thinking that the drummer looked like a little kid banging on pots and pans.

I do NOT want to know about all the fighting over money.

I do NOT want to know that their manager when to prison for underaged sexual offenses with boys.

I do NOT want to know that the drummer, Derek, was charged with child pornography.

Alcohol and drug problems? Make it stop!!

I just want to go back to when my teenage heart (okay my 9 year old heart) pined over her future love. Is that too much to ask?

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.

"Don't ever forget for a second that you are loved.

Not by me, though. I can't stand you."

Monday Morning Vinny

Has anyone seen Vinny? I last saw him in the bathroom...

My progress is overwhelming

I've been doing the daily training on Lumosity, the cognitive training website that I told you about a few weeks ago. I've seen my scores go from mediocre to not so mediocre. I started with an overall score of 417 and now it's 725. I thought that was pretty good until I talked to a friend of mine who signed up about the same time and his overall score is over 1100. I guess we can't all be Rain Man.

They keep measures of your BPI or Brain Profile Index. This number is based on the combined results of your games in each brain area - memory, attention, speed, flexibility and problem solving.

The results have been interesting. Let's just say, I can't problem solve my way out of a box but oddly enough, my highest scores are in speed, attention and memory. Ha! Memory. Obviously that doesn't apply to leaving my keys in the front door overnight. Maybe that does fall into the problem solving category because it sure will be a problem when someone walks in and kills me.

I keep doing extra problem solving games to hone my skills but I'm too stupid to understand how some of the games are even played.


It's fun to see how you compare with others in your age group. I'm in the 79th percentile for attention so if you think you're going to get away with wearing two different socks to work, I will catch you. On the flip side,  I'm in the 30th percentile for problem solving. I had no idea I was so illogical.

Like I said before, do I think these games will really make me smarter and carry over into my everyday life? I don't know for certain. But I do know that the competitor in me wants to beat Rain Man.

I do....I do.....definitely....definitely....I definitely want to win.

Monday Morning Millie

Remember when I went to go get Millie and the dog warden was a jerk 'cuz he said she was old and they said that she "suddenly" started limping but then it turned out that she had a torn ACL?

Well, look at my girl go! She didn't need to have surgery but she does take her Cosequin joint supplement and she doesn't look a day over 9. (pssst....she just turned 10, but don't tell her I told you!)

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.


"BUT I DON'T WANNA MOVE!"


Original Post Date, November 17, 2010


I haven’t given you a weight loss update lately because I’m not exactly thrilled with my progress. I’ve only lost 13 pounds and I know it’s because I got a little slacky with my exercise. I guess it really does make a difference at this age.

Crap.

I’m one of those people who has to do something EVERY day and if I miss a day or two, I never EVER want to work out again because, let's face it. I'm inherently lazy.

Yes, yes…I like the way I feel when I’m done and yes…I like the results but I really wish it was easier.

Like in the old days.

Remember those Elaine Powers wiggly jiggly things? Maybe I could find one on eBay and just wiggle jiggle my fat away. I've already got the black shoes and shower cap.



I’m not sure why these fat burning babies ever went out of style, either. My boyfriend and I could just crank up the heat, lie on the couch and sweat our way to thinness.


I know. I know. Who am I kidding?

I can't get a boyfriend.

Doh!

Okay, so I guess I'm no less forgetful in this house than in the other!

Five Dollah!

The other day, I hear about this website called Fiverr. I guess it was launched a year ago but I just heard about it now. It’s an online marketplace for people selling products and services. I was intrigued for a few reasons.

First of all, because I love a bargain. My favorite price is FREE but 5 bucks is pretty darn good, too.

Second, I’m trying to figure out what I can offer for 5 bucks. You know I’m always looking to make some extra cash as long as it’s not illegal or immoral. Well, as long as it's not illegal. I mean, c’mon, who looks good in this??

Although the sandals do look like a comfy pair I found at Walgreen’s for around 5 bucks! Lose the socks, sweetheart.

Maybe if they let me wear this, a life of crime wouldn't seem so...so...unfashionable.

Where was I??

Oh, right, Fiverr.

So it's really interesting (ridiculous) to see what some people are offering for 5 bucks. The highest rated ones are the people who say they will increase your Facebook "likes" or post your website on their Twitter or Facebook page with their gazillion followers. The website takes a dollar of your proceeds so technically, you're doing stuff for Fourrrr instead of a Fiverr.

Here are some of my favorites:

"I will sing Happy Birthday in Welsh, wearing only a thong and wooly hat"

"I will record your phone greeting in the voice of Yoda"

"I will write your text on a plate using organic cinnamon"

"I will record an eye catching video with your message dressed as a sexy schoolgirl, naughty secretary or a hot vampire"

"I will write you message on my pecs and abs"

"I will Skype with you for ten minutes as a silly monster puppet"

"I will provide insightful advice about anything"

http://fiverr.com/extrainput/provide-insightful-advice-about-anything?autoplay=true

I will count BIG money and shout your name or site

http://fiverr.com/jerrylittlemars/count-100-dollars-and-shout-your-name-or-site

166 people have ordered this! WTF??

What would YOU do for $5.00??

Monday Morning Vinny

"Vee are alvays vatching you. Vee just pretend to sleep."

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"QV Me"

Original Post Date, January 4, 2011

A few months back, I needed some retail therapy to soothe a bad day. It was raining and since the clocks had just “fallen back”, I didn’t feel like going back out on a cold, dark night so I turned on my computer to browse my favorite eBay store. It’s a vendor in Iowa that buys out department store inventory at the end of the season and resells it. I would tell you their name but I can’t risk that any of you might wear the same size as me.

Since most of the clothing up for auction that week was either evening gowns or bathing suits, I decided to head over to QVC. Now, before you think that I’m one of those house fraus who spends all of her money on Quacker Factory sweatshirts and Marie Osmond limited edition dolls, let me set you straight.
Oh, sure, I aspire to be a house frau, earning my money the old fashioned way...legs spread, feet up in the air.

But I’m not a frau now.

So the most I can afford are the three easy payments for the camera I bought and a semi-monthly recurring charge for WEN hair products.



I’ve seen the WEN infomercial a thousand times and I’m always sucked in, nose pressed against the television screen, studying the "before" and "afters". We all have a favorite feature and admittedly, mine has always been my hair.

I hated my boobs when they were small and I hate them even more now that they’re big. I used to like my eyes until a guy I was dating told me that I had Marty Feldman eyes. I think he meant Bette Davis eyes but I was 21 and impressionable so the eyes came off my fave list. Even today, I’m careful not to stare at people too long without blinking in case they have the urge to swat me with a fly swatter.

And I thought I had a perfectly acceptable nose until 7th grade choir, when Margie Sutter was sitting next to me and said, 'So you broke you nose, huh? What a bump you have!'

So you see, by process of elimination, my hair is my (no pun intended) crowning glory.

Lately, though, like most things on my body, it’s starting to show its age. I’ve never minded the little bit of gray I have since I started seeing it as a teenager. But the grays have started multiplying and for those who aren’t aware, the grayer is gets, the coarser it becomes. So instead of walking around with pube like hair on my head, I decided to give Chaz Dean and WEN a shot. Guthy-Renker has never let me down before.



Besides, how cool is the name Chaz?

It almost balances out the fact that their spokesperson is buck toothed Melissa Gilbert who played Laura Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie. Did I mention I couldn’t stand her when I was growing up and secretly hoped that Nellie would accidentally shoot her one day? I can almost hear Harriet now:

"Nels! Come quickly! Our sweet Nellie has shot that dreadful Ingalls girl. You know, the one with the buck teeth?"


Smile before you die, Laura

If you haven't managed to spend 30 minutes watching the WEN infomercial, let me explain to you the magic. It's not a shampoo, it's a cleansing conditioner. This means that you don't have to shampoo and condition because it's all done in one step. It's weird the first time you try it. Since is has no detergents and sulfates, it doesn't lather.

I admit, it's a little pricey, but I'm only buying one product and it lasts me 6 weeks. It averages out to $6.00/week which is less than a cup of coffee a day.

See how I'm justifying the cost?

The only thing I don't buy into, is The Saw Cut Shower Comb. They send you an instructional DVD that shows you how to wash your hair.


This is how we wash our hair, wash our hair, wash our hair...

Part of the process includes using this wide toothed comb to be sure that the product is distributed evenly throughout your hair.


Guess how much it is.

Guess.

C'mon, guess.

$5.00, you say?

Nope.

$7.00?

Nope.

FIFTEEN DOLLARS!

For a freakin' plastic comb.

Here's the one I use.


I bought it at the dollar store.

For a DOLLAR!

AND mine has multiple uses.







Have you ever seen SUCH volume?

Hey, you know what? Since you're such a good friend, I'll let you take this comb off my hands for just $9.95.


**ADDENDUM
Sorry, I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I love love love WEN! My hair is so soft but it still has body. Even my hairdresser noticed a change and I hadn't even told her about it.



Oh geez, now I sound like an infomercial!

What would you do?

If you woke up and saw this in your front yard?

One of my neighbors down the street was startled to open their front blinds to see this in their neighbor's yard. She called the police who very casually walked up to it and shook it.

It turns out it was a tarp that had rolled itself up and landed on the lawn from the heavy winds the night before. Case closed.

Stripper Chick Wisdom

Chrissy's real truth about life that no one will tell you.


"Ignore the people who tell you not to play the victim.

You've had a hard life. "

Monday Morning Millie, Vinny and Dino

"Are you our new Daddy?"

Secondhand Sunday

Sundays are my Secondhand day. I'm basically too lazy to think of anything new to say so I re-post a "vintage" entry.

If you aren't in the mood for repeats, please feel free to change the channel.

"Do boys make passes at girls who wear glasses?"

Original Post Date, June 15, 2009



I think it’s important to test the market occasionally to measure the viability of what you’re trying to sell. I’m selling me, myself and I so I thought I would try the same unscientific experiment that I utilized in February.
I discovered this dating website that lets you post a picture of yourself and have the site users “rate” you. Back in February, I decided to post a picture of myself after I cut 8 inches off my hair. You can see the results here.
I don’t really pay much attention to how the women voted because hey, women are bitches. 
This time around, I wanted to see if boys really do make passes at girls who wear glasses. As you can see from the figures below, I didn’t fare a whole lot different than when I wasn’t wearing glasses.

MEN

Average (77 votes) 6.31

18-25 (18 votes) 5.61

26-32 (15 votes) 5.53

33-40 (15 votes) 7.33

41+ (29 votes) 6.62

WOMEN

Average (6 votes) 5.33

18-25 (2 votes) 6.5

26-32 (0 votes)

33-40 (2 votes) 4.5

41+ (2 votes) 5

However, to take it one step further, the first time around, my inbox was inundated with introductory emails from men interested in getting to know me. Okay, inundated might be an exaggeration but there were a whole bunch.
Interestingly enough, this time I only got 5 emails in the same weekend time frame. So, let’s analyze this. They obviously think my “attractiveness” factor was the same as Chrissy sans glasses, so why the disparity?

Do I look more intelligent? Is it that men want to be in relationships with women they don’t have to talk to and that I look like I might jump into a discussion of quantum physics or worse yet, ask him what he’s feeling?


Do I look less intelligent? Does my spectacled face bring back memories of nerdy Lisa Loopner?




Maybe they're just not buying what I'm selling anymore...

Nahhhhh! It was the perfect segue, though, wasn't it?